This really strikes a chord with me and my own experience. I was always a ‘gifted’ child. The good kid. The trustworthy kid. But I knew better…. I was flawed, broken. My ‘pathological’ desire to be a girl tainted everything in my life, most profoundly, my sense of identity and self. I hated myself for it. I hated myself for the happiness I felt when my grandmother told me I had beautiful eyelashes. I hated myself for the happiness I felt when I snuck into my mother’s closet to put on one of her dresses. I hated myself for the happiness I felt when I talked one of my male friends into kissing me. And so denying myself that happiness, what was I left with other than self-hatred and external validation?