There’s so very much about the experience you describe here that I can mirror simply by reversing the genders. To some degree, I can say that my transness is a direct result of a ‘failure’ to perform ‘cisness’. I did a shit job of being a man, and it made me miserable. Femme-ing myself up has made me a lot happier, but I don’t foresee a future in which I claim womanhood. For the time being, I’m a trans-femme, and I like it that way.